Why I Will Never Wax

I’m a proud member of the No Bald Coochies social club.

Our mission statement is simple: We, adult women of the No Bald Coochies social club, believe women should look like women and not pre-pubescent girls. We believe adults should be appropriately hairy and unless we embark on careers as actresses, models or porn stars there is no reason for any of us to subject ourselves to the barbaric practice of pouring hot wax on our lady parts and having the hair ripped out to achieve some ideal of beauty and cleanliness that has been completely manufactured by the beauty industry, perpetuated by men who watch too much porn and ultimately act as another system of control on women’s bodies.

Okay maybe our mission statement isn’t that simple, but you get the point. Waxing is a no, no and I can’t believe how what was once regulated to models, actresses, and yes porn stars has become a “normal” part of the grooming regime for so many women.

In college, I was working on a show, and one of my crew mentioned she shaved her lady parts bald. The rest of the female crew was shocked. Who the hell did that? Fast forward fifteen years and you have grown men telling women they aren’t worth sleeping with if their lady parts aren’t waxed bald.

Huh? You can’t sex a woman now or at the very least perform oral sex on a woman unless her lady parts resemble my six-year-olds? I’m sorry that ish ain’t normal, and I refuse to participate. And what’s more interesting are all the excuses men (and women) offer to explain the necessity of waxing:

• Excuse: Well it’s more hygienic than having hair
  Reality: False, hair is more hygienic. It acts as the first line of defense against many diseases, helps prevent chaffing, locks in moisture, etc.
• Excuse: It means a woman takes care of herself
  Reality: So unless I’m willing to torture myself with hot wax or other exfoliating methods I don’t take care of myself? Yeah. Get out of here with that.
• Excuse: Well it makes oral sex easier. Hair gets in your teeth.
  Reality: Get a toothpick Negro. For generations men have survived eating the box when it was covered in foliage. Now 21st century Negros can’t make it happen? It’s not like hairy balls are the best thing to have in your mouth either, but a girl does what a girl has to do. Man Up. And get with the hair-gram.

And please spare me the preference argument. This “preference” didn’t start to manifest itself until the proliferation of Internet porn begin in the late 90’s. Prior to this most men outside of certain industries would have never seen a bald coochie, so they wouldn’t have known to prefer one.

Internet porn has done a number on us from the inability to know what real women’s bodies look like (breasts really don’t do that, even the perkiest ones have a little hang to them) to what constitutes normal sex ( cumming on my face is NOT an appropriate sexual request) and realizing that waxing is NOT normal or even desired for many women.

Somewhere in the last fifteen plus years we’ve completely lost all sense of what’s normal where women’s bodies are concerned and then take these unrealistic, abnormal expectations and add them to the already long list of things women must do to land, keep, and please a man. Well, I say enough is enough and my line in the sand begins with my bikini line. Neat is one thing. Bald is another.

And for all the men who say, “Well that’s fine, but i wouldn’t sleep with you or give you head if your girl wasn’t waxed.” I say to you, that’s fine ’cause what one fella won’t do, others gladly will.