Six Major Big Butt Problems

Any woman who has  a really large behind has a story to tell of the many inappropriate things men say and do to them on a regular basis. Really big butts make black men stupid in a very similar fashion that really big boobs make white men stupid.

Otherwise intelligent, upstanding men turn into complete idiots (Neanderthals) when a really large ass passes their way. And unfortunately for us big butt women it can make life and dating a big headache.

1. Yelling dumb-ish out of cars or anywhere for that matter

“Hey girl, you got a custom made ass!”

And that is what some fool yelled at me as I was walking on South Beach with my homegirl one night. Now, this was hardly the first stupid thing a man had yelled at me in passing, but it definitely was the most original. However, yelling dumb, sexually charged, inappropriate things to a woman out of cars or in passing isn’t going to make me stop and give you my number. Most of us big butt girls have had large posteriors all of our lives so there isn’t much you can say to us that we haven’t heard before. And it’s not going to make us talk to you. Hell, if it’s really wrong, and depending on the chick, it’s likely to get you cursed out.

2. It’s NOT a toy (or a pillow)

I was dating this guy who constantly had his hand attached to my ass. C-O-N-S-T-A-N-T-L-Y. I mean, if we were in the house he was tough, rubbing, or laying on it, if we were out of the house his hand was glued to my ass, I mean is was constant. So, after a stint in the grocery store where not only did he have his hand on my ass – he was rubbing it incessantly as well, I decided to have a talk with him.

Me: Look you can’t have your hand on my butt like that. Especially in public.
Him: Why?
Me: (Sigh) It’s just not appropriate…okay? Um…it’s jut not something you do.
Him: *Blank Stare*
Me: How about this – you can touch my butt three times in a day. You got three butt touches That’s it.
Him: WHAT!!!!!

Sigh. You swear I’d just took away his favorite toy by his reaction. And I guess in a way I had. But here’s the deal, my butt is not a toy for you. IT IS NOT A TOY. You don’t have a right to constantly molest me because you’re mesmerized with the booty and we’re dating – especially in public. It’s just wrong. And disrespectful. And makes me want to slap you and stop dating you. Immediately.

3. No, it’s not my job to fulfill your fantasies

“Come on just let me hit it just once. I ain’t never been behind a thing that big before.”

Yes, someone actually said that to me. No he wasn’t playing. And no he wasn’t a hood rat. He was a grad student and we were in the the same program.

SMH

4. The drive by grabbing

This is MY ass. Not yours. So unless I give you permission to grab it, you really need to keep your hands to yourself. I do NOT find it flattering when you touch me. If I hug you that does NOT equal an invite to grab my booty. If you pass me in the street, or at the club or at a party that does NOT give you permission to grab, graze or squeeze my ass as you walk by me. It does not. Simple.

Oh – did I mention the date who bit me on the ass at the pool hall? Yeah. You read that right. SMH.

And as a PSA to you – such behavior could end with you sporting a hand print on your face, a black eye or a hurt groin. I’m just sayin’.

5. The Sneak and Poke

Now this is one I will never understand. You cannot – I repeat you CANNOT “slip” and have anal sex with me without noticing. You just can’t. Yes I get my ass is big and yes I understand that (many) men want to stick their penis in every available orifice a woman has – and yes when you put those two things together it can be totally irresistible to you – like dangling crack in front of a crack addict.  I get that. But once again it’s MY ass. So no – you don’t get to have anal sex with me without permission and yes I’m going to notice it when you “accidentally” attempt to slip it in my ass when clearly that’s not where you were  supposed to be aiming.

6. Assume I’m sexually available

Something about a really big butt reads sexually available to me – or put simply – easy. I swear it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing or where I’m at, men just feel the need to say the most OUTRAGEOUS ish to me…and I know it’s directly related to my Jessica Rabbit type figure. For whatever reason, voluptuous reads easy to men and they will approach you with that foolishness. Like the dude at the semi-formal Valentine’s Day event who offered me oral sex and he didn’t even know my last name. Or the (married) barber who spent a good portion of his time discussing my ass and the many things he’d like to do it he could be cutting my hair. Or all the many men who feel the need to volunteer what they’d like to do to my ass without me asking them for that information. Sigh.

Final Thoughts

Sorry to disappoint, but just because I have  a big rear doesn’t mean I’m tooting it up for just anybody.  And a sure-fire way to make sure you aren’t the lucky fella to get me naked is to say some dumb-ish right off the bat.

Newsflash: any reference to my ass in our first meeting guarantees you will never see it unclothed or actually that I will ever talk to again.

So fellas (and ladies) take it from a card-carrying member of the 40-inch club (40 inches of booty or better) it’s best that you just treat us like you would any other lady. Say hi. Introduce yourself and be respectful. Anything else will certainly land you in the not getting any access to this ass ever box. And I’m sure you don’t want that.

With Love,

T.S.