The Ultimate Guide to Weird Sex Toys

Sex Toys are obviously a great way to get some action in when you’re flying solo or add to the fun and games of couples of time. However, there is a land out there of eccentric and weird sex toys. Think you know a vibrator when you see one? What about a dildo? Think again.

Theses days sex toys come in all shapes, sizes and disguises. It seems like every crazy thought, fetish, desire imaginable can be found in an accompanying sex toy. And nothing and no one is safe. Not President Barack Obama. Not Jesus. And Not even Hello Kitty. Here are 21 super weird sex toys, you truly have to see to believe.

1. Hizamakura Lap Pillow

Weird Rating:
Type: Sex Furniture
Description: Leave it to the Japanese to create a pillow that is shaped just like a woman’s lap. As hardworking as the Japanese are, I guess this is the only way an overworked man can get a proper sleep. Takes them back to childhood…or the brothel. And if you’ve got $75 to spare you can buy it here in the states.

2. Hello Kitty Vibrator

Weird Rating:
Type: Vibrator
Description: Oh you gotta love those Japanese. Originally marketed as a neck massager, this Hello Kitty vibrator was one of the items you could only buy in Japan. Now it’s at Amazon. The Japanese LOVE their Hello Kitty. Clearly though this isn’t for your neck. The shape and many vibrating options make it pretty clear what it is really for. Gives a whole new meaning to Hello Kitty.

3. President Obama Dildo

Weird Rating:
Type: Dildo
Description: Head of State indeed. This dildo comes in presidential gold or democratic blue and will keep giving pleasure long after the President’s term is done. I’m sure there are all kinds of jokes about stimulus packages and government pork just waiting to happen.

4. Blow Up Barack: Presidential Love Doll

Weird Rating:
Type: Celebrity Blow Up Doll
Description: Keeping with the Presidential theme…Want to make love to President Obama and not run afoul of Michelle Obama? No problem. Just purchase the Blow Up Barack: Presidential Love Doll and you can get that Head of State lovin’ all night long.

5. Pull the Wool and Jam the Lamb

Weird Rating:
Type: Animal Blow Up Doll
Description: Pull the Wool and Jam the Lamb is an inflatable lamb with the tagline: “I love ewe so much I’m going to Baaarh.” Billed as the perfect toy for a bachelor party, it’s your soon to be hitched friends last chance to get in before he says “I do.” Oh, and the damn thing really does Baaaaaa. Fun times indeed.

6. Jenna Jameson Titty Masturbator

Weird Rating:
Type: Masturbator
Description: So you like to titty fuck. But there are no titties available to make it happen. Have no fear ’cause they titty masturbator is here. Jenna Jameson’s Perfect Pair are said to be an exact replica of the ex-porn star’s breasts. They are made out of Doc johnson’s U3 material so they are as close to feeling like skin as you can get without well, sexing skin. So not only do you get to titty fuck without real titties, you get o do so with porn star titties. Oh fun.

7. Virgin Mary Sex Doll

Weird Rating:
Type: Sex Doll
Description: Yeah, I couldn’t make this ish up if I tried. Seems like a regular sex doll isn’t enough. Some folk need one with a religious flavor and why not sex the holiest of holy women, the Virgin Mary. I don’t think she’ll be so virginal anymore by the time you’re done. This Virgin Mary sex doll comes with three holes so you have many options of where to put it. Can you imagine confession behind this: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I screwed the Virgin Mary last night. Exactly how many Hail Mary’s do you think it will take to dissolve someone of this sin?

8. Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Weird Rating:
Type: Butt Plug
Description: Oh and what’s a Virgin Mary sex doll without the Baby Jesus butt plug. So while you’re plugging one of Mary’s three holes you can have one of yours plugged up as well. How nice. Is it me or does Baby Jesus look a bit like Elmer Fudd?

9. Betony Vernon Unicorn Butt Plug

Weird Rating:
Type: Butt Plug
Description: Not only is this thing odd, but it’s expensive. A unicorn up your ass? Really? From the manufacturer “For when you are feeling extra “horny”… This beautifully crafted butt plug is made out of silver and horses mane. Use of a butt plug decreases the size of the vagina creating an enhanced experience for both partners.” All for the bargain price of $3,475.00. Only rich people can afford this level of kink.

10. I Rub My Duckie Vibrator

Weird Rating:
Type: Discreet Vibrator
Description: Well it looks like an innocent rubbery ducky. Common bath time friend to babies and toddlers everywhere. Well this rubbery ducky has a secret, it’s actually the bath time friend to adult women everywhere. This rubber duckie vibrator will have your cooing and oohhing and ahhing just like a baby, but for totally different reasons.

11. Powder Puff Vibrator

Weird Rating:
Type: Discreet Vibrator
Description: And here I thought compacts were just for fixing your makeup. This vibrating bullet and mirro combo will fix other parts of your anatomy as well. I don’t know, it seems too small to do much, but not everyone is a size queen, so it could work for some. You can find the California Exotics Discretion Compact Vibrator at Amazon.com.

12. Vibra Phone

Weird Rating:
Type: Discreet Vibrator
Description: This phone vibrator from California Exotic Novelties is touted as a “secret agent massager.” We don’t know about hat, but we do know it gives a whole new meaning to putting your phone on vibrate.

13. Incognito Nail Polish Vibe

Weird Rating:
Type: Discreet Vibrator
Description: This nail polish from Adult Novelties 247 is not for your fingers and toys. Incognito indeed as no one will think this little bottle of pretty pink polish was for touching up your more sensitive areas.

14. Incognito Mascara Vibe

Weird Rating:
Type: Discreet Vibrator
Description: Well, with the mascara vibe from Gethandbag.com, the nail polish vibe, the compact bullet and the lipstrik (see #18) a girl could have a whole make-up bag full of cosmetic vibrators. Just don’t mistake this bad boy for your real mascara or your eye might not survive the application.

15. The Interracial Double Dong

Weird Rating:
Type: Double Dong
Description: Have a preference for black or white? Not a problem now you can express that preference with the Lex Steele Toys CyberSkin Interracial Double Dong. For pleasure with a partner or pleasure with yourself, you can show your racial harmony and get you sexy time on. Am I the only on creeped out by this? Double dongs are already a little creepy, but an interracial one? A hot mess indeed.

16. The Shock Flirt Brief

Weird Rating:
Type: Men’s Underwear
Description: It seems like men now have their version of the push-up bra made famous by Victoria’s secret. Andrew Christian designer and reality tv show regular, created a pair of male undies with a padded cup bulge built into each pair. This is no stuff the sock in your pants routine, the Shock Jock Flirt Brief looks surprisingly realistic, is uncircumcised and will make your man parts look two inches larger. Now the ladies won’t be the only ones enhancing things.

17. Diesel Blow Job Kneepads

Weird Rating:
Type: Restraints
Description: Yeah you read that right. Diesel makes blowjob kneepads. And they were passing them out with a purchase of $150 or more in India no less. India. From The Frisky:

Here’s a gift I could really use: a Diesel store in India gave away blowjob kneepads with purchases over $150! The packages, which subtly display a woman’s open mouth, read “buy one, get one pearl necklace free.” That’s … just … ew. At least Diesel can’t be accused of not thinking of your comfort, ladies. (And certain gentlemen!) [Copyranter]

Well I guess comfort is important, but with the kneepads should come a condom ’cause comfort is great, but safety is better.

18. The Liptrik

Weird Rating:
Type: Discreet Vibrator
Description: Looking to carry around your vibrator in your purse or luggage, but don’t want anyone knowing it’s actually a vibrator you’re carrying? Well, enter The Liptrik vibrator by Booty Parlor (yeah I didn’t make that up):

The Liptrik vibe looks almost exactly like a MAC lipstick — which is why I regret not throwing it in my purse for a special occasion out in public! Indeed, the Liptrik is super-discreet: no one, large or small, would guess it’s not an actual lipstick if they saw it on your bedside table. It comes with a battery included, which I definitely appreciated!

I will say it is a nice way to conceal your handy dandy vibrator, but I don’t know if i could get off with vibrator that looks like something I should color my lips with. I mean…what if I confuse the two or my mom picks it up thinking it’s my lipstick and it’s actually my vibrator. Oh the horror! What say you? Would you buy The Liptrik?

19. Steel Chastity Cock Cage

Weird Rating:
Type: Cock Cage
Description: Seems like chastity belts aren’t only for the ladies. After watching an episode of Gigolos where a budding dominatrix hired one of the gigolos to torture, train, play with and one of the things she did was put his penis in a cock cage she’d bought online, I thought I’d look the devices up for myself.

The beauty of the cock cage is not only does it put the penis under lock and key, but it prevents the wearer from getting an erection lest he feel real pain:

How would you like to keep your boy toy locked in hard and tight, literally? This chastity cock cage will make him understand that he and his cock belong to just you. To use you simply place the cock through the cage. Then open one of the cock rings and secure it behind the ball sack as shown in image. Then secure the chastity cage to the cock ring with one of our padlocks so he is under your control. When you have applied the correct size cock ring the device will be secure.

My guess is this is commonly used in the S&M set on male submissives, but can you imagine the other uses? Military wife on 18 month deployment? Locks your penis up and take the key with you. House husband with too much time on his hands? No sleeping with the other housewives for him. Athlete? Investment Banker? Corporate Lawyer? They all need to put on lock down. Husband’s just been a bad, boy? Well cage him and then reward him later.

Seriously, men have been locking female genitalia up for generations, I think men are long overdue for a little cage action. I mean who needs dick in box? Cock in a cage is way better.

20. Succu Dry Vampire Fleshlight

Weird Rating:
Type: Fleshlight
Description: Keeping up the weird factor with the weird sex toys: This is the Succu Dry Vampire masturbator by Fleshlight. Now, who was sitting around and thought, “Hey let’s create a Fleshlight where men stick their penis in a can with vampire teeth” and really believed that was a good idea, is beyond me. Sharp vampire teeth and male masturbator just seems like it goes hand in hand, seems like such a turn on. Fleshlight seems to major in weird, however. Who knew?

21. Pubic Hair Panties

Weird Rating:
Type: Women’s Underwear
Description: Keeping with the theme of the odd and ridiculous these pubic hair panties definitely fall into that category. Talk about weird sex toys..sheesh. From The Frisky:

…underwear which allow you to test out a new pubic hair design before having it ripped out from the root by your trusted waxer. Trim & Proper panties are basic nude cotton panties with little, suggestive pubic hair designs on the front. Also, according to the About Us page, these panties “cover mishaps, misshapes and outright neglect,” which I guess is why they’re nude-colored? So that from far away you look naked and well-groomed? But to whom? Peeping Toms? I am confused. But at least these are cheaper than the panties that soak up your period leakage.

Oh the humor. I mean do men really like heart shaped pubic hair and other such pubic grooming oddities? I know men who like it bald (no bueno) but heart shapes and other such foolery, really? And do we really near a pair of drawers to work this out? SMH. Talk about too much free time.

Final Thoughts

There you have it. Your introduction to the land of weird sex toys. Crazy right? It makes you wonder who has the time (and brain) to sit around and thing this stuff up. Of all the sex toys which was the craziest for you? Were there any you didn’t think were “that bad” and could see adding yo your own sex toy collection? Were you offended by any of them? Sound off in the comments below and let us know what you think.

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