Stop Defending Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence

Defending Domestic Violence

So, what I’ve been able to gather from the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation is that if a woman “escalates conflict” with a man then it is perfectly within the man’s right to beat the shit out of her. No questions asked. And I’m not speaking in hyperbole here. The recent results from a survey done of Boston area teens regarding the Chrianna situation suggest just that many believe domestic violence is okay:

Corcoran’s program, housed in the Commission’s Division of Violence Prevention, surveyed 200 Boston youth ages 12 to 19, between Feb. 13 and 20, using the Chris Brown-Rihanna case to gauge their attitudes toward teen dating violence; 100 percent of those surveyed had heard about the incident. Among the findings:

* 71% said arguing was a normal part of a relationship
* 44% said fighting was a normal part of a relationship
* 51% said Chris Brown was responsible for the incident
* 46% said Rihanna was responsible for the incident
* 52% said both individuals were to blame for the incident, despite knowing at the time that Rihanna had been beaten badly enough to require hospital treatment
* 35% said the media were treating Rihanna unfairly
* 52% said the media were treating Chris Brown unfairly

In addition, a significant number of males and females in the survey said Rihanna was destroying Chris Brown’s career, and females were no less likely than males to come to Rihanna’s defense.

On one hand saying Rihanna is equally to blame for her face being bashed in is taking the personal responsibility meme to its natural conclusion: whatever happens to you is ultimately your responsibility, regardless of what it is. Not only that but many men (and women) feel it’s their right to beat the hell out of a woman at the slightest provocation. One of my favorite comments so far:

….the problem is that we are not teaching our daughters to be accountable for their actions….The same way if someone breaks into your home even if he does not have a weapon, you are going to put a bullet in his ass. If a bitch slap you, treat her like [a man] and bitch [slap] and stump her ass.

So since one of my favorite bloggers take on the situation is that “It takes two people to create conflict and those two people participated equally in the escalation of a conflict,” I ask what’s considered “escalation?” Let’s concede that Rihanna slapped up on Chris Brown. Obviously, many people feel that that was reason enough for her to get beat so badly that she was hospitalized.


But what if she just looked at the text and then questioned him about it? Is that reason enough to get beat? What if she would have yelled and screamed at him? Is that enough to have your face smashed into the dashboard? How about questioning his authority? Is that reason for him to bite you?

The same blogger says, “Violence just don’t happen for the heck of it, something happened that made it reach up to such a point.”


How about the pregnant women who get murdered every year because their boyfriends or husbands didn’t want the kid? I guess the “escalated conflict” by getting knocked up and deciding to have the baby, huh?

Or the women who get smacked around because their significant other perceived they’d been “disrespected,” in some way shape of form and how about those chicks who have the audacity to disagree with their boyfriends or husbands…man they should just get their asses wailed on since they knew disagreeing would, “escalate conflict” and result in the royal beat down.

I’m seriously disturbed when there are so many justifications for beating a woman in generally and beating her so badly that her injuries required hospitalization in particular. When did we get here…again?

Was nothing learned over the past thirty years? Do we really believe that it is a man’s right to beat his woman for the slightest offense? I find all this quite sad and I will never cease to be amazed at how many women so readily agree with men when these type of incidents happen.

Is this the future I have to look forward to for my daughter? Are her future suitors going to believe it’s okay to smack her around if she steps out of line? I hope not, but after reading much of the commentary on the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation I’m not so hopeful.


  1. Anika 15 years ago

    Oh sweet Jesus! Thank you so much!!! I took some blogs off my RSS for this same crap. I’m glad some people still have a sense of right and wrong.

  2. K. 15 years ago

    Are you really surprised by what he said on his blog? Based on many of his other posts it’s quite clear that he hates black women.

    I still have hope – after all I’ve never had an SO act abusive toward me. Also, plenty of decent guys have come out in Rihanna’s defense so I’m not gonna focus on the other assholes.

  3. ed 15 years ago

    K. or whoever you are, you are in no position to tell me who I hate or love in this world. If you have such proof I have hatred towards an entire gender of Black women, prove it.

    I doubt you are even on par with the Black women who I’m associated with on a daily basis so please.

    You only presented yourself as a Black women you think I could possibly hate, which I don’t. With that said, I hope I didn’t disappoint you for not reducing myself to your level.

    I like many others are not going to address this illogical argument because it does not solve anything in terms of domestic violence. What it does at best is continue a conflict in an instigating manner and do not provide resolution.

    It is sad and pitiful because I have been in mature relationships where nothing goes further than a disagreement but some women want to justify getting upset at a cell phone call.

    Thank God I never had those kind of relationships with such immature females who thinks she has a right to escalate petty stuff.

  4. K. 15 years ago

    My, did I touch a nerver there Ed? Of course you don’t think you hate black women. Just as most racists don’t think they’re racist, same goes for misogynists. Just speaking the truth. *shrug*

  5. ed 15 years ago


    Touch a nerve? Sounds like your agenda.

    Okay, now we see where you going. You are into name calling. Kind of expected when you have nothing else to bring to the table or discussion.

    I seen your whack blog by the way, I understand why you lurk on comment boards. You obviously find cheap shots on comments boards more exciting than blogging:

    I’ve been hanging on by a thread for a while now but it’s time. After four years or so, blogging has run it’s course for me. I’m just not that into it any more. I no longer want to share what may be going on in my mind or my life via the internet.

    In other words no one cared and I realize why….

  6. K. 15 years ago

    When I took down my blog the comments went down with it. At any rate, you’re still a misogynist, period.

  7. Not me 15 years ago

    After reading your Brown Sugar article I have a few things to say. We have not lost the last thirty years. No we are starting to loose the ones who come after us, because we are not all setting the example. I grew up watching my mother take a beating that she did not deserve. I watched as my step father made excuses to beat on her. Stepping out of line was basically what ever he could come up with for the day. You see there really was no line, there was only a hate filled man who did not know how to deal with his emotions. So he decided to take it out on his wife. He did exactly that he till he killed her. I learned many lessons from that, the main lesson being that, if you stay you are saying it is all good. That maybe I deserve this in some way. I recently got married and found that the signals of abuse where starting in my marriage. Throwing hot food in my face, grabbing me like a man and then finally a verbal threat of what he would do to me. At that moment I was back in time. I was watching my mother being disrespected. So I say to you all teach your daughters when it is time to walk away. Yes we all want love, but each woman, girl or female needs to know that abuse is not love and that we deserve better. If the signs show up it is time to walk out.

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